Nov. 25, 2016



I’m Not Gonna Cry


In August, I received a telephone call about my credit card bill being over due and that my account was referred to the collections agency. At that time I had about three credit cards with massive interest and overdue charges.  I started to panic because I knew my salary could not cover the payments.  I searched cell my phone, there was no brother, father, friend or lover to call and ask for help.


I then decided to apply for a loan from the bank.  On the day I went for the interview with the required documents the loan officer told me I could not get the loan because my credit cards were bad and they reflected negatively on my credit score. Immediately I saw darkness all around, I felt dizzy and I felt numb. It was good that I was already sitting. I was referred to the credit card representative for clarification about my account. By then my eyes were filled with tears. I was abandoned by my own voice. So speechless I sat there telling myself don’t cry. To make matters worst, there was not much privacy so others saw me. I refused to cry in public.  I felt a large painful lump in my throat preventing me from swallowing. I felt as though I was drowning, suffocating and constipated all at once. I did not cry, I refused  to cry.


So sorrowful, so weak, I called a cab. As I entered and sat in the car, after five seconds the clouds in my eyes burst with heavy showers. My nose throbbing, getting ready for a mudslide of mucous. My thoughts of despair but hope in prayer made me dizzy. I deposited my entire pay cheque that morning into my credit card account.  It was official I was now broke. I remembered a part of the bible which said fret not thyself of tomorrow, increasing my faith and hope.


I went home and locked myself into my room. I prayed to God for help. Surprisingly I received a salary advance from my employers. I thanked God and I thanked them. I deposited it into one of my credit card accounts. I still had other expenses, which were accruing arrears and interest . I became stressed.


Additionally, I was no longer interested in food, I could not sleep at nights.  I was often looking out into space and feeling depressed. Even though it felt like the end of the world for me deep inside there seemed to be someone stronger than I. I prayed to Jesus for help.



Finally I was invited to church. After the pastor preached, there was an altar call. Without hesitating I walked to the altar. Suddenly my cheeks started to tremble, to myself I thought I cannot cry ,I must not cry. My cheeks continued to tremble then my lips danced, my eyes burst into tears. Oooh my gosh! I had never ever cried like that before with so many people around. At that point I started to care less about who saw me crying. I started to care more about the fact that I was releasing a great burden and that there was hope for recovery from whence I had fallen.